Weight loss and ramblings.
I had originally wanted to wait longer before I unveiled this post. Part of me wanted to have something significant to post and another part of me is somewhat afraid to share this insecurity before I had it more undercontol.
Before everyone clicks out of this post and starts gossiping that I am on drugs or something as ridiculous, I am talking about my weight.
My weight has always been my biggest insecurity. It is something I don’t like to talk about, it is something I don’t like to acknowledge, it is something that I have always defined myself by. In the past 8 years I have went up and down the spectrum of weight never quite being able to control it. For those of you who have only known me as being on the bigger side, in high school I was relatively small. I have an athletic build so I always look a bit bigger As of late it has been creeping up on me once again and I realized I needed to do something to stop it. I hate the person I am when I am overweight and I am not just talking about physical appearance. When I am overweight I am not mentally the same person and I absolutely HATE it.
Mix & Match day. Size medium Sleep shorts and leggings. S T-shirt
This post is so hard for me to write. Because announcing to pretty much everyone and anyone who reads my blog that I am going on weight watchers to lose weight is the same to as announcing that I am overweight, that I’m not perfect( okay I know I’m not, but I don’t like admitting my faults).It is in a way showing one of my weaknesses, my greatest weakness actually.
I know it sounds silly but to me announcing I am overweight is like an alcoholic at AA announcing that they are an alcoholic. It is I guess the first step in my 12 step program :).
It is not like people couldn’t see I was gaining weight. I mean I gained over 25 pounds in 1 month, yeah I know, I don’t know how that happened either.But in my mind announcing that I am overweight is so much worse than keeping it in my head. There is such a stigma attached to being overweight and I don’t want any part of that stigma attached to me. I don’t want people to assume just because I am overweight I am lazy, because quite honestly that is the last thing I am. I walk/jog 5 times a week never going less than 3 miles and always keeping above a 4.1mph pace. I volunteer twice a week at different hospitals, I have an internship, I have my own business–Kinda sorta–, and I am a student. To me saying I am overweight allows others to attach the stigma of being overweight to me and I hate it, but I also think it is something I must do.
I have always let my weight get the best of me. I have always let my weight determine my confidence, my happiness, my personality and I want that to end, but honestly I know it most likely never will. I hope someday I can just accept me, but I also hope that, that me is a fit skinny me. Kind of counter productive but aren’t we all just walking contradictions anyways.
So as I said above I joined weight watchers and so far I have done well. This week–my first week– I have lost ___ and found that the program was relatively easy to stay with. I had no problem cutting fast food out of my diet and I don’t even miss it. My only problem is that I get obsessive and freaked out about my weight loss. In high school at one time I was even to the point where I would only eat as many calories as I burnt at the gym, at practice or on a run. I start to fear food and calories, so my hopes this time around are that I stick with it in a healthy way. It will take some work.
I’m rambling and I am really afraid that if I share to much more I wont post this so I am going to stop here.
SIZE 8 JEANS!!!!
So here is to taking control of my health!
Check back for my weekly ww post updates.