Sometimes, it’s okay to be broken.
This weekend was challenging. Food was a huge temptation and I was worried that what I ate would further my rut and push me pack towards my starting weight; I ate anyways, and I ate, and ate. I gave into every temptation. I didn’t feel guilty, or did I? I really don’t know, all I know was that I ate. I ate food I don’t even let myself think about. I ate food I haven’t eaten in years. Now I feel guilty. Still, this weekend I didn’t care, all I cared about was the eating. I know how I got to my top weight and this weekend I put myself on the road back to that weight.
I ate cheeseburgers from In-N-Out (yes, burger(s); if it wasn’t enough to have a burger Saturday, I had one Sunday as well). I ate French fries, so covered in ketchup that they were red, not golden. I ate chips. I ate red velvet cake. I ate cookies. I drank starbucks. I ate Chick-fil-a, with extra sauce. I ate dip. I ate bread. I ate toast, with butter. I ate chicken strips. I ate frozen dinners. I drank diet soda, upon diet soda. I would have eaten more. I wanted to eat more.
As I look at that list, I’m disgusted. It makes me sick to see what I put in my body. But I broke. I had no willpower. I didn’t make better choice. I didn’t make choices at all, I just ate.
I could have continued today, but I didn’t, today I ran. I ran hard, I ran fast, I pushed myself, vowing to burn every calorie I let myself scarf down this weekend. I also didn’t eat, I punished myself, told the fat girl inside me that I ate enough calories this weekend and that I didn’t deserve a breakfast, or lunch, even if it was healthy. I am fat, I don’t deserve that food.
I know it isn’t healthy, but sometimes we break. Sometimes we are glutens for punishment. I know I will be better tomorrow, but today, today I can be broken. I can let that skinny voice in my head, the one that tells me not to eat, the one that makes me afraid of food, I can let her have today. Tomorrow I’ll regain control.
I feel like I am always spiraling from one extreme to the other. I give into the fat girl; I give into the skinny girl, when am I going to give into myself? I know it isn’t healthy, or good, but honestly how many of you can say you are perfect with your diet? How many can say they don’t fail once in a while.
This weekend I was broken. It’s okay to break.
The biggest thing is, I could have eaten horrible today. I could have said “what is one more bad day”. I could have taken the path back to my heaviest weight, but I didn’t. Today I ran. Today I will pick up the pieces and gain control.
I had a better post for today, but I felt compelled to share my defeat. I can be so guarded sometimes. I fear the judgment. I only want to share the good, but if I share the good, I need to share the bad. This weekend was the bad.
So this post is a total bummer. I did have fun this weekend though, I’ll post more about that later. For now I’ll leave you with a few photos :
Oh, why yes that is a 5D MK iii around my neck. & Yes, I do still have both my kidneys. 🙂
I’ll post more about my amazing new camera later.
Posted on April 2, 2012, in Weight Loss and tagged 5D mk iii, Binge Eatting, Broken, Diet soda, Eating, Food, Hard time losing weight, Health, Problems with weight loss, Saturday, Stuggling, Weight loss. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.