This weekend was challenging. Food was a huge temptation and I was worried that what I ate would further my rut and push me pack towards my starting weight; I ate anyways, and I ate, and ate. I gave into every temptation. I didn’t feel guilty, or did I? I really don’t know, all I know was that I ate. I ate food I don’t even let myself think about. I ate food I haven’t eaten in years. Now I feel guilty. Still, this weekend I didn’t care, all I cared about was the eating. I know how I got to my top weight and this weekend I put myself on the road back to that weight.
I ate cheeseburgers from In-N-Out (yes, burger(s); if it wasn’t enough to have a burger Saturday, I had one Sunday as well). I ate French fries, so covered in ketchup that they were red, not golden. I ate chips. I ate red velvet cake. I ate cookies. I drank starbucks. I ate Chick-fil-a, with extra sauce. I ate dip. I ate bread. I ate toast, with butter. I ate chicken strips. I ate frozen dinners. I drank diet soda, upon diet soda. I would have eaten more. I wanted to eat more.
As I look at that list, I’m disgusted. It makes me sick to see what I put in my body. But I broke. I had no willpower. I didn’t make better choice. I didn’t make choices at all, I just ate.
I could have continued today, but I didn’t, today I ran. I ran hard, I ran fast, I pushed myself, vowing to burn every calorie I let myself scarf down this weekend. I also didn’t eat, I punished myself, told the fat girl inside me that I ate enough calories this weekend and that I didn’t deserve a breakfast, or lunch, even if it was healthy. I am fat, I don’t deserve that food.
I know it isn’t healthy, but sometimes we break. Sometimes we are glutens for punishment. I know I will be better tomorrow, but today, today I can be broken. I can let that skinny voice in my head, the one that tells me not to eat, the one that makes me afraid of food, I can let her have today. Tomorrow I’ll regain control.
I feel like I am always spiraling from one extreme to the other. I give into the fat girl; I give into the skinny girl, when am I going to give into myself? I know it isn’t healthy, or good, but honestly how many of you can say you are perfect with your diet? How many can say they don’t fail once in a while.
This weekend I was broken. It’s okay to break.
The biggest thing is, I could have eaten horrible today. I could have said “what is one more bad day”. I could have taken the path back to my heaviest weight, but I didn’t. Today I ran. Today I will pick up the pieces and gain control.
I had a better post for today, but I felt compelled to share my defeat. I can be so guarded sometimes. I fear the judgment. I only want to share the good, but if I share the good, I need to share the bad. This weekend was the bad.
So this post is a total bummer. I did have fun this weekend though, I’ll post more about that later. For now I’ll leave you with a few photos :
Oh, why yes that is a 5D MK iii around my neck. & Yes, I do still have both my kidneys. 🙂
I’ll post more about my amazing new camera later.